I just want a broomstick...

You guys, I don’t think you realize how much I despise exercise. I recently went to my yearly check-up, and under the “exercise” section, I wrote, “daily walking (up and down stairs).” I guess this is implying that some completely able, college-aged women may not partake in walking somewhere daily (to the fridge? Eh? Eh?).  Which is ridiculous and obviously I am a complete failure at something even Snooki does relatively well.

And this is not a recent development. Last summer, I ran into my elementary school P.E. coach. When he asked me whether I kept up with my exercise, instead of answering him, I blurted out something about how he looked much better since he shaved that stupid soul patch. (Side note: Soul patches? Never a good facial hair decision. Never a good decision, PERIOD). 

Soulpatch is displeased? How about, I am displeased!

The exercise thing wouldn’t be a real problem in the short term if I were not completely obsessed with food. Particularly food that involves butter. I was once sitting next to a kid on a plane from Boston to LA who both loved Los Angeles and hated butter. For the rest of the flight I tried not to make eye contact. (Side note two: Los Angeles is a terrible city full of people who like to exercise SO MUCH MORE than the rest of us. In particular, and most importantly, me.)

She is Rafiki, bringer of butter. Do not question this.

One time, I decided to take it upon myself to exercise at least once a week. I even enlisted the help of a friend. Our interaction was as follows:

Me: “Hey Lily, you want to go to the gym with me sometime?”

Lily: “Yeah, sure.”

And that was the last time we ever spoke of it.

I have realized as of late that the only way to confront this problem of mine is to embrace my laziness – with brooms. Harry Potter brooms. How much better would life be if, instead of walking to class in various types of inclement weather, you just flew there? I get that there are these things called cars, but cars are scary and metal and cost money (I am a 13 year old, this has already been established).

IT COULD HAPPEN

Plus, everyone likes Harry Potter, and if you don’t, we’re probably not friends and you’re probably not reading this (I accept the fact that my blog is only frequented by my friends who feel bad for me, it’s all good).

Oliver Wood: Played by the illustrious Sean Biggerstaff. Ridiculously relevant to this image.

I was discussing this with a friend of mine while attending a Wizard Wrock concert (Identity withheld because of the subject matter. Namely Wizard Wrock), and this conversation ensued:

Friend: “I would want to be in Gryffindor, but I’d probably end up in Ravenclaw”

Me: “Yeaaaaah. I’d want to be in Ravenclaw, so I’d definitely be a Hufflepuff”

You say that now, magical Jesus, but you'd totally be in Hufflepuff.

Look at your life, look at your choices. What house are you in? Also, if you’re an orphan, your life is exponentially more interesting than the mundane lives of children with intact, nuclear families. Do not fret, dear readers! If you’re not an orphan, as long as one of your parents is dead or incognito, you can totally be a Disney Princess. Don’t even worry about it. 

So do I Cedric, so do I.

In conclusion, I’m a dork and I honestly do not know how I am not severely overweight. I am definitely keeling over at 35.

P.S. Friends who are at or above the threshhold for nerdy movie preferences,  if you haven't already, check out the movies on this list. They are going to be so cool. I am fangasming.