Star Destroyer? I Hardly Know Her!

There was a lot of judgmental badger face happening this weekend. Mostly on my face. Mostly due to the Star Wars Holiday Special. Caveat: you may not have heard of it. Because George Lucas attempted to find and destroy all remaining copies. It's that bad.

Badger, badger, badger, badger. MUSHROOM.

I’d like to compare the opening ten minutes of this atrocity to the first thirty minutes of 2001: A Space Odyssey, as they both involve large expanses of time in which large, furry mammals talk to each other sans subtitles, and I couldn’t really give a shit. The nice part about 2001 is that halfway through we get a break from the weird prehistoric trip. Star Wars Holiday Special? Not so kind.

I’m going to skip over most of it, as I choose to do of my middle school years, because it is honestly too awful for simple summary. All I am going to say are that the highlights include the musical talents (in descending order) of Jefferson Starship, Carrie Fischer and this crazy-ass lady:

Please appreciate that I got this from the website www.toplessrobot.com

It pains me to say it, but the best part of the whole thing was the animated sequence with Bobba Fett. He appears, fittingly, riding on top of a gigantic dinosaur. I’m going to let that mull over a little bit in your mind while I make jokes about how much coke Carrie Fischer and gang did in the ‘80s and how George Lucas’s body “Fett”  (yeah, I went there) has increased significantly after the passage of such a noble decade. Coincidence? I think not.

Also, observe this artistic rendition of Han Solo and just TRY to tell me there wasn’t something else going on there:

It disturbs me how happy they are with their tiny cartoon lives.

Crack is wack guys. That said, if they had gotten Whitney Houston to sing their original song, I don’t think they’d be in this mess in the first place.

I may have actually had a separate, unrelated discussion about the theoretical sign for carbonite this weekend, but I’m not a total Star Wars nerd, you guys, I promise.

To prove it, last night I also watched, in quick succession, Swan Princess, Land Before Time, AND Anastasia. Admittedly, that sounded much more impressive, and less immature in my head.

For a minute, put aside the fact that I have the maturity level of a thirteen year old boy of questionable sexuality. Believe me when I say that Land Before Time really does stand the test of time. I can definitely see why my mother was more positive toward me watching that movie over and over as opposed to my other cinematically genius choices (Princess Diaries, Fern Gully, Swan Princess II, etc.). Also, baby dinosaurs are far superior to baby humans. Uncontested fact.

Why was Robin Williams even in this movie?

In more serious, world news, here’s  a picture of an old Japanese man being rescued from Tsunami/Earth Shake (yeaaaah, Land Before Time jargon):

Rescue Efforts: Japan Does them Cuter

Donate to Japan if you ever want your iPad 2 to ship. And also if you generally consider yourself capable of empathy.